He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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