She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
my poor anus
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
