I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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