My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
