Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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