I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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