Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
