HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
