Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
