he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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