so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
