pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
