what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
