dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
