Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
