Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
