I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
