I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
