glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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