My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
