when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
