I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
