i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize