apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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