well you can't waste a boner
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
