I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
