I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
