I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize