Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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