woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
