And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i love accidental penises.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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