So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
