My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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