My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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