I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
