she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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