You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
