So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
