If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
