Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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