last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize