I'm gonna have a badass scar
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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