her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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