did you get engaged???
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
