I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize