Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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