woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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