Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
