need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
