i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
