picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
