Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
