I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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