Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
