How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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