low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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